The Sunday Smile Is Lying: What’s Really Happening in Your Church

by Jennifer Ripley, Ph.D., Co-Director of The Church Cares and Hughes Professor of Integration at Regent University

Here at The Church Cares, we aim to nurture the congregational care helpers. That’s why we’re proud to offer free high-quality support to those who want to pray, care, and engage more effectively with the hurting world around them.

Alone at Church

On Sunday morning, everything looks fine.

Hands are raised. Coffee is poured. “Hey, how are you?” “Good! Busy—but good.”

Smiles. Nods. Quick conversations in the lobby.

And yet… something doesn’t sit right.

Because if we’re honest—those smiles are often telling a different story than the lives behind them.

The Quiet Gap No One Talks About

There’s a gap in many of our churches.

A gap between:

• What people are showing

• And what they’re actually carrying

  
  

The man leading worship is battling anxiety he hasn’t told anyone about.The couple greeting at the door barely spoke on the drive in.The teenager scrolling during service feels completely alone.The single mom in the third row is one bad week away from breaking.

But you wouldn’t know it.

Because on Sunday… we’ve learned how to smile.

The “Sunday Self” vs. The Real Self

Most people don’t walk into church thinking, I’m going to be fake today.

It’s more subtle than that.

We present what feels safe:

• The version of us that won’t burden others

• The version that fits church culture

• The version that keeps things moving

Call it the Sunday Self.

It’s not always dishonest—it’s protective.

But over time, something dangerous happens:

We begin to believe that this surface-level version of connection is real community.

And it’s not.

Why the Smile Exists

Let’s be fair—there are reasons this happens.

• We don’t want to be “too much.”

• We don’t know who’s safe.

• We’ve tried opening up before—and it didn’t go well.

• We assume everyone else is doing better than we are.

So we keep it light. Manageable. Polished.

And slowly, a room full of people who love Jesus…becomes a room full of people hiding.

The Cost of Staying Surface-Level

When the Sunday Smile becomes the norm, something breaks.

• People suffer alone in a crowded church

• Pastors become the only ones people open up to

• Real needs stay hidden until they become crises

• And the Church quietly loses its credibility as a place of healing

It’s not that people don’t care.

It’s that they don’t know how to move beyond the surface.

What People Are Actually Looking For

Here’s the surprising truth:

Most people aren’t looking for advice.

They’re not expecting you to fix their life.

What they’re really hoping for is much simpler—and much deeper:

• Someone who will notice

• Someone who will stay

• Someone who will listen without rushing

• Someone who will walk with them over time

In other words…

Presence.

Not perfection. Not expertise. Not a perfect answer.

Just presence.

How Real Community Actually Forms

Authentic relationships don’t happen in a single deep conversation.

They’re built slowly.

Awkwardly at first. Imperfectly over time.

Through:

• Checking in again next week

• Remembering what someone shared

• Sitting in silence when there are no easy answers

• Choosing to stay when things get uncomfortable

This is what Scripture points us toward when it says to “carry each other’s burdens.”

Not solve. Not fix. Carry.

From Sunday Smile to Sacred Space

So what would it look like if your church became a place where people didn’t have to pretend?

Where the question “How are you?” wasn’t rushed…

And the answer could actually be honest?

It starts small.

• One person choosing to listen longer than feels convenient

• One leader creating space for honesty instead of performance

• One volunteer learning that they don’t need the right words—just a willing heart

And over time, something shifts.

The lobby becomes more than a pass-through. Small groups become more than discussions. The church becomes a place where people are seen, known, and supported.

A Different Kind of Sunday

Imagine this:

A church where:

• People don’t have to hide their struggles

• Volunteers feel confident to care, not just refer

• Pastors aren’t carrying the weight alone

• And hurting people don’t slip through the cracks

Not because everything is perfect…

But because people are present.

Because someone noticed. Because someone stayed. Because someone listened.

You Can Be the Turning Point

You don’t need a counseling degree to change this.

You don’t need to have all the answers.

You just need to take one small step:

Stay in the conversation a little longer. Ask one more question. Follow up next week.

That’s how the Sunday Smile starts to fade.

And real community begins.

Because no one should have to sit in church… and still feel alone.